Making choices with confidence

Last time we talked about the high price of being Mrs. Nice.

Today we will focus on how to break free from the Mrs. Nice and Yes-mode Syndromes.

Lets reflect for a few minutes.

  • Are you constantly saying sorry for everything you do?
  • Do you find it difficult to say “No” to others and “Yes” to you?
  • Do you spend a lot of time finding the right words not to upset people?
  • Do you go out of your way to get approval from others?
  • Do you find yourself apologizing to others, even when they did something wrong towards you?

If you answered yes to these questions, I would dare to say you are trapped in the Mrs. Nice and Yes-mode syndromes.

As you already know, the first step is to recognize how you are acting and evaluate if that is working well for you. If it is not working for you and you want to have the power to start choosing differently, then I invite you to try the following tools:

  1. Stop and breath– if it is a direct request from others, don’t give them an answer right away, say something like, “Can I get back to you in a few minutes?” If you are thinking in volunteering without being asked, ask your self “How will I benefit from this?” If you cannot come up with a relatively quick answer, do not volunteer!
  2. Identify the feeling- Once you have a chance to breathe and think about the situation, identity the feeling that is behind it by simply saying “I am feeling…” For example, “I am feeling worried that if I do not volunteer for the company’s Christmas Party, my coworkers are going to think I am not a team player, even though I am already serving in three different committees.”
  3. Evaluate -– Finally, ask yourself “How true is that feeling really?”  “Where is it coming from?” So, for the example above, ask yourself, “How true is it that I am worried coming across as not being a team player?” Then ask yourself, “What evidence do I have about the situation”? So in other words, has anyone said anything about you not being a team player, or is it you who is creating that story?
  4. Choose – Now is the time to make a choice. You will be surprised how much easier it is for you to choose. The fact is that after identifying and evaluating your feelings and beliefs, you can start to make choices coming from a place of confidence.
  5. Have an authentic conversation with the people involved– don’t all of a sudden start saying no without a reason. Acknowledge the other people’s feelings and express your own feelings and needs. Explain why you are choosing to do or not to do something, and perhaps come up with an alternative solution that will benefit both parties.
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